Ever After

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. Unbelievable.

I spent very little time in the blogosphere in the last week. But I spent enough time to read the requisite thankful posts of many bloggers and I, too, am thankful for the usual things that most commented on, such as families and friends and yes, even the readers and commenters of this very blog. But I must say that this year, more than ever, I am most thankful for my marriage.

I gushed about Brett a few months ago and I meant every word. I have always been lucky to have him, but I am also thankful that this year I learned some very important lessons, the hard way, about marriage and being a couple that I hope will make us an even better team.

That being said, somewhere between the Macy’s parade and the leftover turkey and stuffing, Brett and I attended a wedding this weekend. This is the first wedding we have been to in quite awhile since we are in the stage of life where some of the people in our age group change “life partners” more often than they change their underwear.

The wedding was on Black Friday and it was a fairy tale beach wedding where there were no expenses spared. The kind of wedding every girl dreams about, but very few actually get, though they do their best to create it to the best of their creative and financial abilities. It also, like most weddings, had taken an awful lot of work to make as beautiful as it was and I had heard how the bride had worked tirelessly on it for months.

I don’t know about most people, but I am a sucker for life moments like weddings. I loved my wedding and I am a sap for the emotional pull on my heartstrings that I get out of witnessing one. But I sat there and watched the beautiful bride and groom on the most beautiful day of their lives so far and for the first time ever…all I felt was sad.

I kept thinking about a few years back when we vacationed in Newport and I found a little boutique with the cutest little wooden signs with the cleverest little sayings on them. The one that really struck a chord with me was one that read “And they lived happily ever after.” So I bought it and hung it.

Not too long ago Trent asks, “What does that say, Mom?” And I tell him it says “And they lived happily ever after.” And he says, “Just like in stories, right Mom? What does that mean?” I realize he’s talking about the books we read at bedtime sometimes.

The fairy tales.

Just like the wedding. A fairy tale.

I thought about that moment as I watched this wedding, feeling sad. Just what does this “happily ever after” stuff mean? When I explained it to Trent, who is five, I said it meant that someone was happy together for the rest of their lives. But I mean, really, who lives their lives that way?

Do I know anyone who lived happily ever after?

No. I do not.

In fact, I know many who lived very unhappily.

So I have to wonder, why do so many children’s stories end with those six words? Is it because we are such a supremely optimistic society that we would choose to believe that this is how it all will work out for everyone? Let’s all just pretend things are perfect and, voila, they will be!

This might have something to do with why little girls have such an obsession with the Disney princesses. Besides the fact that they are beautiful, of course. Things always end great for them. Who wouldn’t want that life? I mean, who wants to hear that Cinderella lived happily until the prince started staying out for happy hour after work a little too long and never saw the kids? Or that Snow White and her prince lived happily until she had to go to rehab for her dependency on painkillers? Um, no one?

I listened to my friend the bride, who also looked like a princess by the way, say her vows to her groom and I wanted to say Are you absolutely certain you want to do this? Do you have any idea how HARD this will be? Do you know that life will NOT be a fairy tale, no matter how much money you make, how many children you have or how much you love each other? Will you be able to keep your vows? For better or for worse? Because many, many people can’t. It’s not all moonlight and calla lilies and champagne. Do you get that?

Why do we spend so much time and effort planning for the wedding and almost no time planning for the marriage? There needs to be something there after the cake is cut and the honeymoon is over.

And it made me sad that I felt that way, kind of cynical and jaded about a bright and hopeful time in a couple’s lives.

So I wonder, why do we put this “happily ever after” pressure on ourselves? Why do we build up the wedding day for little girls, and little boys too sometimes, with fairy tales and princesses when it is clearly unrealistic to do this? They count on “happily ever after” and sometimes end up with broken hearts. If you need proof, all you have to do is visit True Wife Confessions.

The only reason I can come up with is that we are an optimistic society who hopes for the best because it’s all we can do in an uncertain life. All we can do is realize that we are human and we will not be perfect, and neither will life. If we don’t believe that, then why bother getting married at all anyway? And little girls need to have something to look forward to because there are magical and wonderful moments in marriage. And some of the most magical are when you are going through the “worse” parts. You just don’t always know it at the time.

That is what “happily ever after” is, really. It’s loving the good and dealing with all the other crap along the journey. That’s as ”happily” as it gets. (Although I could never explain THAT to Trent so that he would understand.)

So, I will wish my bride friend a life that makes her happy. I, for one, am glad that I took the chance.

And, by the way, would somebody please write some new fairy tales?

Double Whammy

Today is Father’s Day. And as if that were not reason enough to celebrate, it is also Brett’s birthday. AND he is 40!

He has done a little moaning about the fact that he is getting “cheated” and I am getting off easy since they both fall on the same day, but I know him and he really is just teasing me. While Brett does not agree with me, I think it is extremely fortunate that we are celebrating both on the same day.

There are lots of great guys out there, I know. I just feel so lucky to have him. I mean really, really lucky. So celebrating the fact that God graced the Earth with this wonderful man 40 years ago today, and the fact that he is an awesome Dad all at the same time makes this a super special day.

So in honor of all that he is to us, Allison, Trent and I came up with a list of 40 things that make him special to us. (See if you can figure out which are from the kids and which are from me.)

We have a fun day of treats planned for him and he deserves it!

1. He makes yummy food.

2. We like to play fight with him.

3. He is patient.

4. He is good at reading stories.

5. He makes us laugh.

6. He can fix almost anything.

7. He is the best cleaner in the house.

8. He is really smart.

9. He is extremely passionate about animals.

10. He takes out the trash.

11. He has the most wonderful little flecks of gray coming into his hair.

12. He can be amazingly calm on the outside in the most stressful situation even if he is not feeling that way on the inside.

13. He gives good hugs.

14. He is fun when he tucks us in.

15. He calls us on the phone when he is not here.

16. He pets the kitty.

17. He puts on music and dances with us.

18. He is always interested to see what I bought when I go shopping and never complains about how much I spent.

19. He brings us lunch at school.

20. He does laundry when he is working at home.

21. He always has dinner ready when we get home from school.

22. He is handsome.

23. He doesn’t get too mad when we tickle him.

24. He likes to be silly with us.

25. He washes and cleans out the car for date night.

26. He brings home People Magazine for me to read when we go on trips.

27. He fills the tank up with gas because he knows how much I hate to do it.

28. He is extremely honest.

29. He dresses nice when we go out to dinner.

30. He takes us to cool places.

31. He’s a good golfer.

32. He appreciates fine dining.

33. He plays fun games with us.

34. He helps with math homework.

35. He makes the best parmesan chicken.

36. He is a good listener.

37. He makes funny drawings.

38. He smells good.

39. He works hard.

40. We love the way he loves us.

For future reference

Note to self: The next time you are getting ready to go out and you discover that your husband is wearing the exact same colored outfit that you had planned to wear and you stand in the closet trying on 14 other things that are clearly just not as good as what you had planned because you don’t want to look like the black shirt twins, when he comes in and asks three times if you want him to change, SAY YES.

Advice to men everywhere: The next time you are getting ready to go out and you discover that your wife planned to wear the exact same colored outfit that you actually have on your body and she stands in the closet trying on 14 other things because she doesn’t want to look like the black shirt twins, when she comes out of the closet wearing something that she clearly does not find as desirable as what she had planned because she is already making you late, TELL HER SHE LOOKS NICE.

Trust me.